Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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