ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
