I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
