I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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