yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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