She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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