I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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