Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
