I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
