i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
