when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
