Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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