Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
