Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
