if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We had to coat check the pizza.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
