I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
