my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
