I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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