My liver just broke up with me...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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