Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
