My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
