Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
