I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize