somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
