The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
