No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
