I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
