I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
