All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
