my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
