i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
