I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
