I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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