So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
