we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
