i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
that is very illegal...i love you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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