Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
