this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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