It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
