I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
