I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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