And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize