please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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