my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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