So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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