i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
im six kinds of drunk right now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The uberlube is also flammable
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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