i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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