Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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