it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize