My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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