our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
