i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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