Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
