Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
