I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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